Wow. I am astonished at the abject stupidity of 99.9% of the general population, with specific focus on those pathetic saps who visit (and in some cases, work in) my hospital.
As many of you out there may already know, and for the benefit of those that do not, I work as an operator on the switchboard for the two major hospitals in this city. That is to say, we take internal and external incoming calls directed to and from BOTH hospitals. We also handle paging staff and doctors (oh do i have stories on THAT one for another day), as well as basically being the "quick-reference" service for all the hospital staff.. Yes, we often are asked what to do in all sorts of scenarios by nurses and doctors, as well as the public at large!
It has never ceased to amaze me just how much and how varied the information we at switchboard are not only required to know, but are expected to know! I've been asked, by a nurse on a unit, technical questions about samples for the Lab, about the logistics for transferring patients between units, and on and on -- please note, these are things that they should already KNOW the answers to, and barring that, should be asking (just an idea here) perhaps the LAB or BED CONTROL about... Why on earth they ask the SWITCHBOARD shit like that, I never have figured out... But they ask us in ways that suggest that not only do they not know their jobs, but they actually believe WE KNOW THIS STUFF! There's never any hint that they just want us to suggest who they COULD ask, either. They just assume we know it all. When we suggest they contact the appropriate department, they quite often get all huffy and indignant, like we're trying to be difficult or something! Yeeesh!!!
I know all that stems from the fact that (on the phone at least) we are constantly totally professional, usually courteous, and above all (and probably the saddest part) ... we usually DO know the answers...
Anyway, this week has been particularly filled with the stupid people... Drunks calling in the hospital looking for friends and family as patients - and not a little drunk either, but REALLY slobberingly drunk... at 2pm on a weekday, say Tuesday.. Yikes! And not just one or two but a whole mess of them, at least 20-30 a DAY.
Then you have the nuts. These are the crazy folks who are either IN the Psych ward, callign for someone they know in the Psych ward, or are looking for ways to be ADMITTED to the Psych ward. I kid you not! It's generally accepted now that 9 times out of 10, the "friends" of the people in the crazy house seem just as, if not MORE crazy, than those who are actually admitted... It was pointed out to me a few months back that the reason for this is partly because they all get to be great buddies while admitted to the nuthouse together and when one gets released, they all like to keep in touch and be crazy together, and THAT'S why so many crazies call through to speak to patients there. Makes sense. Too bad I have to deal with them tho... yeeeeesh
And on the crazy note, we have a new-ish department attached to Emerg* called PES (Psychiatric Emergency Services, pronounced "Pez" like the candy). Now, some brilliant dunderhead came up with a stellar plan when they designed that place. Someone thought it would be convenient for the patients to have a courtesy phone in there. A courtesy phone. In a Psych ward. Where MOST of the patients don't even know what day it is, or who they are, let alone have the mental capacity to figure out how to operate a simple phone. I say this from direct experience dealing with the crazies that wind up talking to the switchboard.
See, on this courtesy phone, you cannot dial long distance at all, and you must dial 9 to get out. Of course, they're nuts right? so all we get are the people who really don't know WHAT is goin' on...
Me: "Operator...?"
Little Old Lady, calling from the PES Courtesy phone: *sounds all business* "Hello, I'd like to speak to the Queen please."
Me: "...I'm sorry, who??"
Lady: *still dead serious* "The Queen please. The Queen of England?"
Me: *notes the location of the caller* "Uhh .. One moment please..."
Lady: "Oh, thank you" *you can just hear the pleased/relieved smile in her voice*
Me: *mutes her out and dials into the unit desk in PES*
PES Nurse (male): "PES, ____ speaking..."
Me: "Uh, yeah.. I have a lady on the line on your courtesy phone... wants to be connected to teh Queen of England... Do you wanna take this call or deal with it somehow..?"
PES guy: "Oh I know who that is .. yeah I'll just go over and turn off the phone, OK?"
Me: "Uhh OK then..." *disconnects him and the lady*
And that one's a pretty mild example of the sort of shit that goes on...
Now what prompted today's blog entry? Something simple enough, and yet......
I get a call from the Admitting desk, which happens to be actually just around the corner of the hall from where we hide. Seems they've been having people complaining off and on all day to them that the payphones (about 20 feet away from their desk) don't accept coins, only cards (because the card reader is so prominent on the phone I guess).
So, rather than just walk over and check it out to help these stupid people, she calls ME in the switchboard to ask me about it, asking me what she should do with these people... After a lot of back and forth (mostly me saying "I can't imagine why the phone company would put out payphones that don't accept coins!"), I just finally gave up and told her I'd take a look and get back to her in a minute.
That's when I wandered into the hall to look at the phones. Wish I had a photo to show you all, but anyhow.. Suffice to say the coin slot was blatantly obvious, with pictures of coins beside it to indicate where to put them, AS WELL AS written instructions on the phone face as to how to desposit coins and use the phone.... I mean, holy shit! How stupid/ignorant/out of touch do you need to be to miss all that??? Even more to the point, how much effort would it have been, really, for that admitting clerk to just walk over to the phone and look for herself?? Instead, she was just sitting there arguing with the patients who were already too ignorant to work it out for themselves.... Wouldn't you think it'd take WAY less time out of her busy day to just check it out so she woudl know to just say to the morons "well Gee, sir, the coin slot is on the front of the phone right near the top, there, in the middle. In that bright yellow band there? Almost like neon? With th epictures of coins beside it? No, sir, not the bottom, the top. You know, where it usually is on most payphones? Yes, congratulations, sir, you found the slot! Hope your sex life goes better.... "
All I can say to all this is ... Oh my fucking GAWD!
ARGH!
